Kareoke will never be a sober sport
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Text me some of your sweat
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