I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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