How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm really busy with my period
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