ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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