be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
