I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she peed on how many people?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize