don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
