So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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