The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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