You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
