Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
