Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize