The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
