Jerry, you need to find god
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
