your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
