Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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