I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
false alarm. still invincible.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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