I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
