i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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