Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
