I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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