So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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