No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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