so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How does it feel to date your dad?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
