You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
