i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
