We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize