I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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