i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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