where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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