I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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