I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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