Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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