You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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