So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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