i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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