I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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