So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
