They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
