i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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