then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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