bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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