Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
