Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
