please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
