a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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