she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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