A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i believe in u and ur pee
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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