I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
