This is not my ceiling
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
