there's paper in my vomit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
