Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
