Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
