Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You pole danced in your parka.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize