There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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