Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
