Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
