Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize