he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
