Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You're like the curious george of whores
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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