just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
