last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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